My Monday story on WRAL and PolitiFact got me thinking about what it would be like if I ran for public office. Of course, I would be totally honest in my ads so there would be no need for fact-checking.
My Monday story on WRAL and PolitiFact got me thinking about what it would be like if I ran for public office. Of course, I would be totally honest in my ads so there would be no need for fact-checking.
I’m Paul Greeley and I’m running for office.
During my campaign, I promise to make claims about myself that aren’t true and make accusations about my opponents that aren’t true.
I promise to waffle, double talk and skirt how I stand on every issue and respond to every question with a vague answer.
I promise to be on the side of every issue that promises the most votes.
I promise to tell prospective voters exactly what they want to hear, regardless of what I believe or intend to do once in office.
I promise to deceive, distort, mislead, con, and if that doesn’t work, outright lie about my accomplishments and achievements if indeed I have any.
I promise to inflate and glamorize every tiny accomplishment of mine and belittle and demonize any major accomplishments of my opponents.
I promise never to be pinned down, cornered or trapped into revealing anything specific about an issue, unless I can later take the opposite side if it means more votes.
I promise to make controversial statements that cause uproars, then claim they were taken out of context.
I promise to use my family and my dog in TV commercials that depict me a loving family man and father even if I’m not and don’t even have a dog.
I promise to always wear a plastic smile on the campaign trail, and nod absently when anyone talks to me as if I really care.
I promise to think of all the campaign money I raise as my own, and spend it on whatever suits my fancy.
If elected, I will seek a salary increase for myself as my first order of business.
I will hire family, friends, political hacks and cronies as ghost employees, taking a small percentage of their patronage salary as my own.
I will take money from lobbyists, special interest groups, companies, corporations and individuals in exchange for political favors.
I will take every opportunity to line my own pockets and serve my own interests ahead of my constituents while in office.
I will use the power of my office to slander, libel, malign and destroy anyone who opposes me.
I will go to the most expensive and exotic places in the world at the expense of anyone willing to pay in exchange for my influence.
I will meet with all my constituents wearing a plastic smile, pretend to listen or care and then do what’s right for me and my interests.
I will devote the entire time I’m in office to making sure I get reelected.
I’m Paul Greeley and I approved this ad
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