Watching the network evening news makes me feel sick. It’s not the news anchors, or even the news coverage itself that’s causing me discomfort. I can handle plagues, riots, wars, murder, starvation, executions and all of the other news from around the world. It’s the plethora of pharmaceutical ads that dominate the commercial breaks during […]
Watching the network evening news makes me feel sick.
It’s not the news anchors, or even the news coverage itself that’s causing me discomfort. I can handle plagues, riots, wars, murder, starvation, executions and all of the other news from around the world.
It’s the plethora of pharmaceutical ads that dominate the commercial breaks during the news that make me wince. Can’t we get a screaming car ad in there somewhere just to break up the monotony?
Apparently, the majority of viewers who watch the national network newscasts are really sick.
We’re either always in the bathroom or we can’t go.
Our bones are getting soft and our stools are too hard.
Our eyes are always dry and our noses always run.
We need a gel to desensitize our teeth, if we’re lucky enough to have our own, or stronger glue to keep our fake teeth from falling out.
We can’t sleep so we take pills to help us nod off, and to relieve the stress we all seem to suffer from, we need special beds for “nighttime renewal” which is, I suppose, way better than a good night’s sleep.
And no wonder some can’t breathe right, there’s an elephant sitting on their chests!
If you’re healthy enough to still be living through all these old-age afflictions, your hair might turn grey, but don’t worry, an all-natural cure for that comes in a new, easy-to-use applicator bottle.
And if the thought of all this gives you heartburn, there’s a pill for that in a new mint flavor.
But just when you think these advertised products can fix your ills, you have to risk the possible side effects.
Be prepared to welcome loss of senses, flu-like symptoms, headaches, nausea, temporary hearing and vision loss, nose bleeds, coughing spells and temporary burning in exchange for the symptoms you used to have. There’s the chance of a possible heart attack, liver disease, stomach pains and internal bleeding. Even death. That’ll cure what ails ya.
If you’re still healthy after all that, you may need testosterone to increase your sex drive. And once you’re ready to drive, maybe you’ll need help starting up the motor, if you know what I mean.
Yes, men, we’re in for the ultimate humiliations. Ads for ED are ubiquitous during the news. So many, it appears we all suffer from it. If my kids happen to be watching the network news with me, I’m sure they’re wondering about me.
There’s a daily pill for those with ED, so when it comes to romance, there’s no chance any man will be left with his pants down, so to speak. And of course, these have their own four-hour side effects to worry about, which for some, have totally eliminated any prospects of a morning, work-day cuddle.
Who wants to be calling the boss at 9 a.m. explaining why they can’t be in the office until lunch time?
I understand they’re working on a new spray-on mist for those sudden, unexpected opportunities.
No wonder the demos for the evening network news are so old — what daughter or son wants to sit through endless commercials that remind them that their parents might still be, well, you know, and that dad probably needs help in that area.
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